I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

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I missed the smell of text books.

I’m back in school after taking a year off even though I rather not have taken it off. And while everything is going my way. I can’t help but to just look at this campus and have these emotions rush towards me. I can’t so much as look at the music hall without being transported to a different time. I can’t help but to pass by those benches and think back when everything seemed to be going well. Little did I know that sitting at those benches would change the rest of my year. It’s all coming full circle. I just hope everything I once had lines back up again.

It’s crazy to realize just how much happier I was two falls ago, and the amount of failed friendships that I gained because of dumb rumors, towards the end of the year. Why would I want the people that wrote me off for believing rumors to be my friends again? I became lost in my own world. I was for lack of a better word, I was depressed. But there was one person there, and she gave me the feeling of serenity. And I wish I could tell this to her in person, but it seems like it’s just not going to happen. I’m not getting my hopes up. Who knows? Maybe she’ll read this one day. I want her to know that I was moody because I lost the ability to control my emotions. I couldn’t set my mind away from the backstabbing I took. But yet, every time I saw her, every time I was near her presence. I felt like everything was going to work out for me. So I tried to return the favor, by putting her ahead of me. By supporting her in anyway I could, because as long as she was happy, as long as she was smiling, it made my day. As long as the vegan restaurant we’d choose to go to was the best vegan restaurant she’d b gone to at that point. I was happy. But yes, as hard as I did try I couldn’t separate myself from those other feelings of betrayal and it carried over, and I couldn’t tell her. So we argued, and made up.

I didn’t want to let you in more, because I couldn’t admit to myself or to anyone else for that matter that I was depressed. So, I shut down. I shut you out, and I even shut myself out. I didn’t want to accept the fact that these were the rocks thrown at me. I didn’t want to pick them up. They were just laying there and it’s not like I couldn’t pick them up because they’d just come back towards me. However, even when I was shut down, being around you made me feel like it was all going to work out. 

I’m not even sure why I’m writing all of this. I just feel like, this is at my one shot at giving myself closure, because let’s face it. You want nothing to do with me anymore. Somewhere along the way, I lost the one thing that kept me sane. I lost the one person that made me feel like everything was going to be amazing in the future. And now, that I am still lonely, but I’m looking towards the future with optimism and finally feel like me again, I wish I still had you around to share my life with you. I’ll never find someone who is going to make me feel this ever. I’ll never find it. I’ll try to replace you, and I have been, but it’s not the same. It’s just not. You’re the person that best knows me at this point. And I just want to say. That I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. I miss the days when I’d take BART to your local station and you’d pick me up, or the days when I’d pick you from your place. And we’d drive around trying to find something to do. I still remember this one day we literally drove around the entire city of San Francisco and ended up in the ghetto to be mugged by some kid while we were still in the car, and then found the ghetto version of Lombard Street, only to find the real Lombard Street half an hour later. I think back to this day now, and realize just how perfect of a day it was. We didn’t need to plan anything, it was just nirvana. It was amazing. And I was happy. The weekends are so difficult to deal with too, just because we used to do so much on the weekend and just to have them pass me by stings a little bit.

And then, when you when back to school. I didn’t realize how lonely I was without you. I didn’t realize that I had no one else. And I still don’t. But I was greedy. I still needed you. I was under the impression that we’d still do things together. On top of everything else, I owed money. So, I became a prisoner in my home. I grew even more and more depressed, because I needed to save money ASAP I couldn’t waste a dime. 

At one point I was ready to tell you I was depressed. It was the day before I gave you a ride to school. You told me that you didn’t know what you’d do without me. At that point I decided it was time to tell you why I was so moody, why I couldn’t tell you, and that if you did in fact wanted to move out, there was this issue of my depression. But the chance never came. You distanced yourself from me. I’m not sure if it was truly because you were busy or you just didn’t want to see me as much as before. And the more I tried to talk to you, the less you wanted to talk to me. 

Then, one of those things happened. 

I was held up at gun point. I was forced to beg for my life. And in all of those thoughts that ran in my head, was you. I didn’t think I would ever see you again. I was terrified that the last thing you and I would remember was an argument between both of us. I’d ran out of things to live for. But I knew that if things didn’t get better, we’d write each other off of the other’s life. I realized I was lucky. I was paranoid. But I was lucky and I knew it could have been 3 times worse. So I wrote it off of my mind, but in doing that I just got even more depressed about EVERYTHING. I mean everything.

That is until I got shot. That’s when my world completely shattered.  I had lost you, I had lost everything. My friends, my schooling, my job, everything. I could not focus. But it had to have happened. I had to lose you, in order to appreciate you. I had to. The thing is, I think I’ve always appreciated you, I just never knew how important you were and still are to me.  And when I saw you, I couldn’t put it to words because you saw me at my worst. You saw me at rock bottom. But you gave me hope. Even in my worst. You gave me hope. You’re right you haven’t been supportive, but you’ve always given me serenity. I realized just how lucky I am to be alive. And I’m not taking it for granted again. I’m only going to move on up from that point. There is nothing that’s going to stop this train of thought. I’m going to make something out of myself. I just always thought we’d be able to support each other and see each other’s dreams come true. 

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This happened yesterday.

This happened yesterday.

I finally have my change of scenery.

Kelsey (Insert Last Name Here) I love you.

And I wished you lived closer so I wouldn’t feel this gosh dang lonely.

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